Having another year added to my life, I’d
say that it would be extremely appropriate and almost mandatory that I write
something about that. From 19 to 20 would probably be one
of the weirdest feelings. I don’t know. Never really thought I’d step out of my
teenage years this quickly.
I know. You’re not meant to stay young
forever. And there will come a time when being another decade older doesn’t really
mean that much to you anymore–when it merely becomes a tiny fraction of your
lifetime. But 20…is weird for me. Oh wow. Sorry, I need a moment…
*Pause* I am 20.
***
If you were bothered enough for read the
title of this post then you’ll probably think that I am currently in
denial…well maybe I am a bit. LOL. But nonetheless, I am grateful for all 20
years of my life. I am thankful. Because wow. I never thought I’d be where I am
today. I know birthday candles are there for you
to make wishes, but I really could not think of anything at all when it was
time to blow them out–because I know it full well that I have been blessed
beyond measure, and that I have nothing else to ask for.
I’m not saying that life is perfect. No,
life for me is so far from perfect. But I am happy. I am happy and I am
content. And because I am content, I am happy.
It’s weird, really. Because if you really
know me, you’d know that I’m actually a mellow person. I have melancholic and
introverted tendencies, and would have random moments when I’m just sappy. I
should say that, as much as I portray myself as being bubbly, I’m not the most
cheerful person in the world.
I am aware of my habit of being a teensy
bit too hard on myself. I tend to be harsh on myself, and whenever I do not
meet my own expectations I would be disappointed at myself. And I guess that’s
because I’m a very reflective person.
Though I am a fairly optimistic person when
it comes to others, I tend to be almost pessimistic with myself. I’m not the
most confident, even at times when I seem to be. I focus so much on my own
flaws. And beat myself up about them. Because I’d think that I should have
known better. Or I could have done something about it.
I’d say that I’m a grateful person. I’m
someone who tends to say thank you a little too often. If you drove me
somewhere, I’d say thanks. If you just made the slightest kind gesture to me,
I’d already be so thankful. I like to appreciate people…at least I think I do.
I like to show people I appreciate them because I think it’s nice to know that
your efforts are not in vain.
Anyway, enough with the gibberish random
talk. The reason why I am posting today is because I want to reflect upon my 20
years so that in the future, I am able to re-read what I’ve written and see how
much God has worked in me. I may probably think right now that “I got it all
figured out”–but I’m sure that God is not done with me yet.
But then again. This year…I don’t know. My
birthday was different. Something just felt so different.
At 12 midnight my bestfriends called me,
gave me a birthday greeting, and asked me out on a four-only dinner date that
night. “Will you go out on a dinner date with us tonight? Yes/No. Even if
your answer is no can you please still circle yes?” Haha how adorable was
that. Of course I said yes.
I then had to stop read my Accounting
Managerial book to change and get ready for dinner with my bestfriends. I
thought we were going to go fine dining cause they asked me to dress nicely. So
I put on a dress, did my hair and makeup, and then we walked to... Bakerzin Tunjungan
Plaza. Okay it’s not special for
me, they trolled me… But they shouted “surprise!” and the Happy
Birthday song blasted. I was at loss for words. And broke into tears…LOL such a
crybaby. Anyway that was how my day practically went. And what was so sweet as
well was that they made fried durian that day…and they got me presents which
includes a homemade durian martabak and a durian ice cream cake (I love durian
very much thank you).
***
I went home that night, just wanting to
cry. I don’t know why. I just wanted to cry. I wanted to come to God and just
cry.
Because at 20, I felt
loved.
In the past year, especially, knowing that I
felt that I needed to live out “loving God and loving people.”
That my ultimate purpose in this life is to love God and people, and that meant
I had to do so, regardless of how it made me feel. That I can love people,
because God loved me first anyway.
But at 20, I felt loved.
Not merely by God. But by people too.
Because all this time, I’ve been too focused on having to love people, that I
forgot what it felt like to be loved, too.
Honestly? I have never felt as loved,
cherished, and appreciated before. And at 20. I just felt that I shouldn’t be
so selfish so as to say that I didn’t need people to love me. No. I should not
be so prideful to say that.
Because all of you are dear to me and I
thank God for each and every one of you in my life.
Thank you for all the care. All the
encouragement. All the love. Because through all the love you’ve shown me, I learn
more about the love of God for me in my life.
So really, I don’t mind being 20. I don’t
mind being a year older. Because that means I get a better glimpse of my Maker
and that in itself is enough.
I am 20. And I am loved.
