#5: Twenty

Having another year added to my life, I’d say that it would be extremely appropriate and almost mandatory that I write something about that. From 19 to 20 would probably be one of the weirdest feelings. I don’t know. Never really thought I’d step out of my teenage years this quickly.

I know. You’re not meant to stay young forever. And there will come a time when being another decade older doesn’t really mean that much to you anymore–when it merely becomes a tiny fraction of your lifetime. But 20…is weird for me. Oh wow. Sorry, I need a moment… 

*Pause* I am 20.

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If you were bothered enough for read the title of this post then you’ll probably think that I am currently in denial…well maybe I am a bit. LOL. But nonetheless, I am grateful for all 20 years of my life. I am thankful. Because wow. I never thought I’d be where I am today. I know birthday candles are there for you to make wishes, but I really could not think of anything at all when it was time to blow them out–because I know it full well that I have been blessed beyond measure, and that I have nothing else to ask for.

I’m not saying that life is perfect. No, life for me is so far from perfect. But I am happy. I am happy and I am content. And because I am content, I am happy.

It’s weird, really. Because if you really know me, you’d know that I’m actually a mellow person. I have melancholic and introverted tendencies, and would have random moments when I’m just sappy. I should say that, as much as I portray myself as being bubbly, I’m not the most cheerful person in the world.

I am aware of my habit of being a teensy bit too hard on myself. I tend to be harsh on myself, and whenever I do not meet my own expectations I would be disappointed at myself. And I guess that’s because I’m a very reflective person. 

Though I am a fairly optimistic person when it comes to others, I tend to be almost pessimistic with myself. I’m not the most confident, even at times when I seem to be. I focus so much on my own flaws. And beat myself up about them. Because I’d think that I should have known better. Or I could have done something about it.

I’d say that I’m a grateful person. I’m someone who tends to say thank you a little too often. If you drove me somewhere, I’d say thanks. If you just made the slightest kind gesture to me, I’d already be so thankful. I like to appreciate people…at least I think I do. I like to show people I appreciate them because I think it’s nice to know that your efforts are not in vain.

Anyway, enough with the gibberish random talk. The reason why I am posting today is because I want to reflect upon my 20 years so that in the future, I am able to re-read what I’ve written and see how much God has worked in me. I may probably think right now that “I got it all figured out”–but I’m sure that God is not done with me yet.

But then again. This year…I don’t know. My birthday was different. Something just felt so different.

At 12 midnight my bestfriends called me, gave me a birthday greeting, and asked me out on a four-only dinner date that night. “Will you go out on a dinner date with us tonight? Yes/No. Even if your answer is no can you please still circle yes?” Haha how adorable was that. Of course I said yes.

 

I then had to stop read my Accounting Managerial book to change and get ready for dinner with my bestfriends. I thought we were going to go fine dining cause they asked me to dress nicely. So I put on a dress, did my hair and makeup, and then we walked to... Bakerzin Tunjungan Plaza. Okay it’s not special for me, they trolled me… But they shouted “surprise!” and the Happy Birthday song blasted. I was at loss for words. And broke into tears…LOL such a crybaby. Anyway that was how my day practically went. And what was so sweet as well was that they made fried durian that day…and they got me presents which includes a homemade durian martabak and a durian ice cream cake (I love durian very much thank you).

 

 

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I went home that night, just wanting to cry. I don’t know why. I just wanted to cry. I wanted to come to God and just cry.

Because at 20, I felt loved.

In the past year, especially, knowing that I felt that I needed to live out “loving God and loving people.” That my ultimate purpose in this life is to love God and people, and that meant I had to do so, regardless of how it made me feel. That I can love people, because God loved me first anyway.

But at 20, I felt loved.

Not merely by God. But by people too. Because all this time, I’ve been too focused on having to love people, that I forgot what it felt like to be loved, too.

Honestly? I have never felt as loved, cherished, and appreciated before. And at 20. I just felt that I shouldn’t be so selfish so as to say that I didn’t need people to love me. No. I should not be so prideful to say that.

Because all of you are dear to me and I thank God for each and every one of you in my life.

Thank you for all the care. All the encouragement. All the love. Because through all the love you’ve shown me, I learn more about the love of God for me in my life.

So really, I don’t mind being 20. I don’t mind being a year older. Because that means I get a better glimpse of my Maker and that in itself is enough.

I am 20. And I am loved.