Sunday, November 20, 2016

#7: ...........

My parents are still so conservative, they're still have traditional values, expect me to get married and have kids in 20s or before 25th, just bcs I'm a woman. What the.......
So this is the parents and society expect, make this kind of like my goals to have a boyfriend right now, been in relationship with guy long enough, if he has a stable job, then go for it; getting married before 25 and go make some cute babies. I know I really want a baby boy, but I'm not ready to caring a baby, lol.
Tbh my main goal is just to have a great career for myself. If I feel like I've fulfilled that goal, then I'll start to thinking about getting married, whether it's in my 20s, 30s, 40s :)

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

#6: Learn

We have to learn from people that disagree with us.


Because we need to have these difficult conversations with those people, because that's how progress is made and that's how we dismantle the misunderstanding.

We need to challenge ourselves to understand those with different perspectives and also encourage them to understand your own.

If everyone starts to implement this we'll liberate our minds from the stigma.

Being surrounded by different ideas will give you a better view of the world :)

Sunday, May 1, 2016

#5: Twenty

Having another year added to my life, I’d say that it would be extremely appropriate and almost mandatory that I write something about that. From 19 to 20 would probably be one of the weirdest feelings. I don’t know. Never really thought I’d step out of my teenage years this quickly.

I know. You’re not meant to stay young forever. And there will come a time when being another decade older doesn’t really mean that much to you anymore–when it merely becomes a tiny fraction of your lifetime. But 20…is weird for me. Oh wow. Sorry, I need a moment… 

*Pause* I am 20.


If you were bothered enough for read the title of this post then you’ll probably think that I am currently in denial…well maybe I am a bit. LOL. But nonetheless, I am grateful for all 20 years of my life. I am thankful. Because wow. I never thought I’d be where I am today. I know birthday candles are there for you to make wishes, but I really could not think of anything at all when it was time to blow them out–because I know it full well that I have been blessed beyond measure, and that I have nothing else to ask for.

I’m not saying that life is perfect. No, life for me is so far from perfect. But I am happy. I am happy and I am content. And because I am content, I am happy.

It’s weird, really. Because if you really know me, you’d know that I’m actually a mellow person. I have melancholic and introverted tendencies, and would have random moments when I’m just sappy. I should say that, as much as I portray myself as being bubbly, I’m not the most cheerful person in the world.

I am aware of my habit of being a teensy bit too hard on myself. I tend to be harsh on myself, and whenever I do not meet my own expectations I would be disappointed at myself. And I guess that’s because I’m a very reflective person. 

Though I am a fairly optimistic person when it comes to others, I tend to be almost pessimistic with myself. I’m not the most confident, even at times when I seem to be. I focus so much on my own flaws. And beat myself up about them. Because I’d think that I should have known better. Or I could have done something about it.

I’d say that I’m a grateful person. I’m someone who tends to say thank you a little too often. If you drove me somewhere, I’d say thanks. If you just made the slightest kind gesture to me, I’d already be so thankful. I like to appreciate people…at least I think I do. I like to show people I appreciate them because I think it’s nice to know that your efforts are not in vain.

Anyway, enough with the gibberish random talk. The reason why I am posting today is because I want to reflect upon my 20 years so that in the future, I am able to re-read what I’ve written and see how much God has worked in me. I may probably think right now that “I got it all figured out”–but I’m sure that God is not done with me yet.

But then again. This year…I don’t know. My birthday was different. Something just felt so different.
At 12 midnight my bestfriends called me, gave me a birthday greeting, and asked me out on a four-only dinner date that night. “Will you go out on a dinner date with us tonight? Yes/No. Even if your answer is no can you please still circle yes?” Haha how adorable was that. Of course I said yes.
I then had to stop read my Accounting Managerial book to change and get ready for dinner with my bestfriends. I thought we were going to go fine dining cause they asked me to dress nicely. So I put on a dress, did my hair and makeup, and then we walked to... Bakerzin Tunjungan Plaza. Okay it’s not special for me, they trolled me… But they shouted “surprise!” and the Happy Birthday song blasted. I was at loss for words. And broke into tears…LOL such a crybaby. Anyway that was how my day practically went. And what was so sweet as well was that they made fried durian that day…and they got me presents which includes a homemade durian martabak and a durian ice cream cake (I love durian very much thank you).


I went home that night, just wanting to cry. I don’t know why. I just wanted to cry. I wanted to come to God and just cry.

Because at 20, I felt loved.

In the past year, especially, knowing that I felt that I needed to live out “loving God and loving people.” That my ultimate purpose in this life is to love God and people, and that meant I had to do so, regardless of how it made me feel. That I can love people, because God loved me first anyway.

But at 20, I felt loved.

Not merely by God. But by people too. Because all this time, I’ve been too focused on having to love people, that I forgot what it felt like to be loved, too.

Honestly? I have never felt as loved, cherished, and appreciated before. And at 20. I just felt that I shouldn’t be so selfish so as to say that I didn’t need people to love me. No. I should not be so prideful to say that.

Because all of you are dear to me and I thank God for each and every one of you in my life.

Thank you for all the care. All the encouragement. All the love. Because through all the love you’ve shown me, I learn more about the love of God for me in my life.

So really, I don’t mind being 20. I don’t mind being a year older. Because that means I get a better glimpse of my Maker and that in itself is enough.

I am 20. And I am loved.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

#4: Forgiveness

I feel like God has been at work in my heart lately. It’s just been the hardest process but at the same time it’s been the most eye-opening as well. Lately I guess I just have been learning so much about myself that I otherwise would have been unaware of…and as much as it may hurt sometimes to see what you don’t want to see in yourself, I am grateful for everything He has done and is doing in my life.
I don’t know about you, but I am the type of person who loves to say sorry. I know that is probably pretty weird, but I do say sorry all the time. Instead of saying “excuse me” I tend to just say “sorry”. I guess it’s a habit of mine.
A weird example would be, when my friend and I were heading out to lunch, she just realised that she had left her phone in my room. And so we had to walk in again–yet I said “oh, sorry.” She just laughed at how silly I was.
But what I also realise is that I tend to say sorry when I don’t need to–yet when I do, I don’t.
I have some friends, of course we have had our share of fights. Yet we always patch things up, and we never hold grudges against each other–and all this is done without us apologising to each other. We just know that each has forgiven and so we just get on with our lives like nothing happened. It’s just really awkward to apologise “formally”–we would very much rather sweep things aside and get on with our lives, instead of shake each other’s hands or hug things out.
Being the last child, also probably has affected my personality, in a way that I am the type who prefers to avoid conflict completely, rather than trudge forward, head first. “Peacemaker” they say, and yeah I guess you can call me that cause really, I would very much rather bottle things up than confront people–cause I really am not one who is assertive or blunt.
And because I prefer to avoid conflict and confrontations and apologies altogether–I would always say that I have forgiven and that I don’t hold grudges, so that we can all just get on with our lives. Yet what I recently understood of myself is that, this is not always true.
Recently I’ve had life be good tough on me. I don’t know about you, but I am a feeler. (Not the kind of feelers that are at the top of an insect’s head, but in a sense that I tend to feel a lot.) 
Being a feeler yet avoider of conflict, I just bottled everything up. And I kept my head held high and I went on with life, allowing people to only see the giddy, bubbly side of me. The always-happy and grateful girl.
But in my heart I knew I was hurt. In my heart I knew I was mad. But I just couldn’t help it. Human emotions got the better of me.
So one night, I ranted and vented it all out. And long story short, it got to the ears of the person whom I spoke of.
And knowing that the person was hurt from hearing what I said, I told myself to be the bigger person and apologise. So I did.
I told the person that my intent was not to gossip or to ruin their reputation. I was just hurt and I needed my cry to be heard. I needed someone to understand and I needed some sort of comfort. I said that I didn’t want to justify what I did, but I expected the person to understand where I was coming from and just how I felt.
Yet after the conversation, I was all the more upset. I was all the more hurt and I was all the more outraged. I didn’t feel understood at all, and I thought that it all was pointless, so I decided not to reply, fearing that I would say the wrong thing and not be able to take it back.
Have you ever felt that someone has wronged you–and you feel that you’re right and that person’s just plain wrong? You are convinced that you’ve done the right thing, especially cause you know your own intentions–and so you justify your actions cause your intent was not to harm. So you expect to be understood. Have you?
If you are honest (and I hope you are), you would probably be nodding by now because I do believe that at some point in life, people will feel hurt. And in other times, people will inflict the hurt.
Yet as human beings we tend to want to be acknowledged when we are hurting, yet never want to admit it when we are the ones who hurt someone else. If we do, we make ourselves feel better by saying “that is not my intention to do so.”
But on the night of Silent Day what I realised was, when we say “I don’t mean to justify, but this is how I feel…” we are as a matter of fact justifying our actions. When we want to voice out to people how we feel when we are in the wrong, we are actually trying to make ourselves feel better by expecting to be understood–and not fully admit to what we have done.
I always said that I never held grudges, that I was forgiving, and that I was fine. But bottling things up and acting like everything was fine does not mean that I have in fact, truly forgiven.
And that night, having God show me that I was as a matter of fact justifying myself by pointing out my hurt and expecting to be understood–made me realise that I did so, because I expected an apology.
And the thing is, when you are expecting an apology, it means that you have not forgiven.
And knowing that I have not forgiven, made me realise that, though it was not my intention to hurt anyone, my reaction towards the hurt I felt, hurt someone else.
That was bitterness right there. Reacting to hurt by hurting someone else. And I never thought I’d have the courage to say that. But yes, I do realise, that right then I was, in fact, bitter.


Sunday, February 28, 2016

#3: Jump

What saddens me a lot of the time is that most times we become people who are quick to judge and often jump into conclusions–about the people we see, the rumours we hear, the things we feel.
But why can’t we give people the benefit of the doubt and instead learn to take a leap of faith in believing in the best in them–because God saw the best in you even when you were at your worst.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

#2: Expectations

In Accounting they taught you to always “under-promise and over-deliver”, and I found that this has to be one of the best lessons I could draw from my lectures. If you had over-promised, an audit would reveal your actual performance for the financial year and this may be considered an ethical issue because the shareholders would be harmed. Under-performing would disappoint the shareholders as they had been guaranteed to expect higher returns. Why, you ask, do I find this lesson useful? Well, I suppose it is because this may be applied to our lives as well.

Under-promise and over-deliver. That statement speaks for itself. If what you promised was way beyond what you actually delivered in the end, people will end up disappointed as you crush their hopes and expectations of you. However, if you delivered above what you had promised, then the level of satisfaction would increase as people had lower expectations. This is basically common sense. And if you have been reading this until so far, you probably would also feel a little bit disappointed that you’re getting nothing out of this.

So let’s take all this into another perspective. Let’s step into someone else’s shoes. Have you ever had people looking at you as if they expect so much from you, and then even after trying so hard, you failed to meet that expectation, and then that gaze just changes…it transforms into a look of disgust, of criticism, of distrust, of being belittled, of being looked down upon. Now that, is the look of disappointment. It’s like being towered over by a giant who holds up one finger, saying “Shame on you”. Or travelling to your ancestral country not knowing the language. Or going back to childhood and have your parent smack you or something. Well not necessarily like those illustrations, but you know what I mean.

I know that being disappointed by someone simply feels…disappointing, but trust me, the feeling of being a disappointment is worse. So don’t always demand for more. Don’t criticise, don’t judge. Don’t over-expect. And you won’t be disappointed. Better yet, you would help get people out of the misery of feeling sorry for themselves.

With love,
Thalia ❤💋

Saturday, January 30, 2016

#1: Change

Heyyy! It's 2016 already so Happy new year everyone!!! Better late than never, okay? I know it’s been a while that I’ve posted anything. A lot has been going on and I haven’t had time to write properly, so I decided not to post any up here. Btw I’m on my break now, WOHOOO!!! So I renew my blog and promise I will be writing more regularly. Hopefully...

But anyway. The reason why I decided to write this is because I feel  free, NO! Maybe because I feel bored, NO! But because I feel that I need to. Okayy... I want to talk about change, because I was changed a lot. But first of all, FORGIVE my terrible grammar:(

Change is inevitable, so I have been told. It is the only thing that remains constant, because as people, we are continuously moulded by the situations that we face, shaped by the people that we meet and formed by the conditions that we are placed in. Change must happen and will happen, for a particular reason. For us to adapt. To survive natural selection.

An easy example would be growing up. When we were young we used to be all clingy and adorable, seeking our parents’ attention and affection all the time. I mean, which kid does not want to be tucked into bed at night? To be kissed on the bump on the head to be all better? To be carried around because “I’m too tired”? And as we grow, we would give anything (and I do mean anything) for some privacy. What happened then? What caused that gap to widen and us teenagers to want to be given a distance? Change is what happened. We adapt to be able to feel independent and so that we won’t be embarrassed.

But have you ever thought about how your parents would feel about your sudden change in attitude? Have you ever thought about how other people felt about how you changed? How do you feel about change? Honestly, personally I am afraid of changes. Maybe terrified is an even better word to describe it. But what is it about change that we tend to fear?

If someone has changed for the worse, you have every right to fear change. But if a person changed for the better, people would still be scared. Scared for and of the many reasons why. People are afraid of not knowing, of being kept in the dark. And the thing with change is that it is unpredictable and you will never know and understand exactly how and why it happened. People are afraid of the hidden agendas and motives that might not be as plain and sincere as good change may seem. People are suspicious about good change.

Nonetheless, I believe that people can change. Even for the better. Despite their intentions on either wanting to look good or to get something that they want, I believe that if they put up with their act long enough, they will start believing in them and soon will really change. Otherwise, the truth will get out eventually, right?

Have a nice day xxx

With love,
Thalia ❤💋